my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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