she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
