i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
