Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
