I smell stomach acid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
