i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
