Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
