Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
