Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
