youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
