I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
