apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
