why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
