I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
