Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
