Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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