I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
