You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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