fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
