two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
