I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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