My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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