moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
