i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
