she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
