I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize