My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
