Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
