i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
