I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
