So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize