It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
