is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
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Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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