8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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