Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
