Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
