meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
