I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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