Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
