i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
