My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
