Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
