i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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