This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
