omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
