I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
