I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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