Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
