he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
