do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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