I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
