she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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