you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
